LIFE GUIDANCE CULTIVATOR
AWARENESS · INSIGHT · MINDFULNESS

THE SEED-TO-FRUIT SERIES · ISSUE 07

The patterns you learned may still pull at you. They do not get the final say.

Work. Bills. Things that still need to get done.

Your wife asks what is wrong.

You say, “Nothing.”

Not because nothing is wrong.

Because somewhere along the way, keeping it to yourself started to feel normal.

Maybe nobody ever sat you down and told you, “A man handles it alone.”

You may have learned it another way.

From what was not talked about.

From what your father never said.

From watching men disappear into work, staying busy so they didn’t have to deal with what was waiting for them at home.

Getting short when they felt cornered.

Going quiet when they didn’t know what to say.

And sometimes being there physically, but not really present.

Then one day you catch yourself doing your own version of it.

That is where this issue starts.

The way you learned to handle hard things did not appear out of nowhere.

What stood out to me in the Australian Institute of Family Studies work is how much of parenting can be shaped by what we grew up around.

Some parents noticed they were repeating things from their own upbringing, while others were making a conscious effort to do things differently.

Family of origin mattered, but it was not the only influence. Parents also picked up things from the people around them, what they read, and the guidance they received along the way.

That makes sense to me.

You can grow up around silence and learn that silence is how a man handles pressure.

You can watch someone stay busy instead of talking and start believing that carrying it alone is what strength looks like.

None of that means you are destined to repeat it.

It means some of what feels normal today may have been learned a long time ago.

Noticing that gives you something to work with.

Source: Australian Institute of Family Studies · Learning parenting

Children do not only hear what we tell them about emotions.

They also live around the way we handle our own.

One thing that stood out to me from Children’s Health Queensland is how much our own emotions can shape the way we respond to our children.

The more we notice what is happening in us, the more room we have to choose what we do next.

And this is not about being perfect.

It is about being aware enough to respond differently when we can.

Your child does not need to watch you get every hard moment right.

But they are learning something from what happens when you are frustrated, disappointed or overwhelmed.

Do you get short?

Do you disappear into silence?

Do you come back and talk?

The lesson is not in one perfect conversation.

It is in what they keep seeing over time.

Source: Children’s Health Queensland · Looking after your family’s emotional well-being

For me, the useful part of UNICEF’s work is this: children are always picking up something from what they see around them.

That does not mean your child will become you.

It does not mean every time you pull away becomes something they will repeat.

But it gives me a reason to pay attention to what gets demonstrated again and again.

If hard conversations always end with someone shutting down, that becomes part of what home feels like.

If hard conversations can include a pause, an honest sentence and a return, that becomes part of what home feels like too.

You are teaching something either way.

A lot of the time, nobody has to say the lesson out loud.

Source: UNICEF · Positive parenting tips for babies and children ages 0-5

I do not want to turn every reaction you have today into a simple story about your childhood.

That would be too easy.

What I take from Raising Children Network is that the relationship a child has at home matters, but it is only part of the picture.

A child’s health can affect how they feel and function from one day to the next.

Activity gives them a way to move their body, burn off energy, and work through some of what they are carrying.

Nutrition supports the body and brain while they are still growing and developing.

Genetics can show up in things like temperament, sensitivity, and the way a child naturally responds to the world around them.

Community brings in other people, relationships, and experiences that can also shape how a child sees themselves and others.

Other relationships matter too.

Your current circumstances also shape the picture.

Your marriage can affect what you are carrying emotionally.

Work can follow you home even when the day is over.

Money can add pressure that sits underneath conversations.

Stress can shorten your patience before anything is even said.

And the people around you now can shape what you get used to over time.

I would not tell a man, “You shut down because your father did.”

I would ask something more useful.

When you notice yourself shutting down, what do you want to do with that now?

Your past can be part of the picture without becoming the whole picture.

Source: Raising Children Network · Child development: the first 5 years

You are going to get some moments wrong.

Every father does.

What I take from the Welsh Government parenting information is pretty simple. Children are watching what we do when emotions get hard.

If we lose our cool, coming back and saying sorry can show them that a hard moment does not have to be where the story ends.

That does not erase what happened.

It does not make every sharp word harmless.

It gives you a next move.

You can come back.

You can say, “I got short with you. I should not have spoken to you that way.”

You can listen.

You can finish the conversation differently than you started it.

For me, that is where choice stops being an idea and becomes something your family can actually feel.

Source: Welsh Government · Model the behaviour you want to see more of

I grew up without a steady father figure.

So I know what it is to learn from what was missing.

There were things I had to figure out later in life because nobody was there to show me when I was young.

And that is part of why this matters so much to me.

At some point, you start noticing things in yourself that you may have picked up a long time ago.

Maybe you understand where they came from. Maybe you don’t.

I think understanding your past can help. I also don’t think you can stay there forever trying to explain everything.

Because eventually there is a real moment happening right in front of you.

Your wife is trying to talk to you.

Your child may be watching how you respond.

And you can feel yourself wanting to get quiet or pull away.

That is the moment I keep coming back to.

Now that you notice it, what are you going to choose to do next?

For me, staying in the room does not mean standing there while a conversation turns cruel or unsafe.

It does not mean agreeing with everything your wife says, and it does not mean you can never step away for a few minutes.

Sometimes you do need a pause.

What matters is what happens next.

Do you come back?

Do you say what is really going on instead of disappearing into silence?

That is the part I would pay attention to.

You might say:

“I do not know how to say this yet, but I do not want to shut you out.”

Or:

“I am frustrated, and I want to understand what you are saying before I answer.”

That may feel awkward at first.

Good.

New usually does.

Presence is not something a man suddenly has.

It is something he practices.

The words that stay with me are:

choose life.

I am not using this verse as a slogan for self-improvement.

In its biblical context, Moses is calling Israel to choose faithfulness and life.

What connects with me here is the weight of choice and what follows after it.

Your choices do not only touch you.

They can reach the people who come after you.

That is a serious thought.

It is also a hopeful one.

You may have inherited silence.

You still get to decide whether silence is what your family inherits from you.

Scripture: Deuteronomy 30:19 NKJV · Bible.com / YouVersion

Look at the olive image for this issue.

The seed is still underground.

The roots are still attached.

It did not have to get rid of where it came from in order to grow.

I think there is something in that.

You do not have to erase your history to grow differently.

You do not have to pretend your father’s absence did not affect you.

You do not have to ignore what you may have learned from silence.

The roots can still be part of your story without deciding where you go from here.

That is what choice can look like.

One sentence instead of going quiet.

One question instead of getting defensive.

One more minute in the room when part of you wants to leave.

And then doing it again the next time.

When things get heavy at home and you feel yourself starting to pull away, what would doing something different actually look like for you?

It could mean saying what you are feeling instead of going quiet.

It might look like listening long enough to hear what your wife is really trying to say before you defend yourself.

Sometimes it means asking for help before everything starts piling up.

Another choice might be staying in the room a little longer when part of you wants to leave.

Or there may be something else you already know you need to practice.

Do not overthink it. Just name the one thing you want to do differently the next time that moment shows up.

You can include your answer when you reply below.

If someone shared this with you,
subscribe to continue the olive tree journey.